matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Randomize
