You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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