i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
