anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
