Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
