Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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