Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
