I am in a vortex of obligation.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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