i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
