I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
