My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Randomize
