my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
