Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
