Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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