Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
