well I can't set my house on fire every night
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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