I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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