my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
