Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
