Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
