He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
