if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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