His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
