Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
