I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
