I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm like, not good at living.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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