How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
