this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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