my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
