The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
