I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
