I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
