I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
