my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Ketchup is God's man juice
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
