Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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