i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
