Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
