You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
