cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
