I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
