im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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