If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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