you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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