My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
