Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
