Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
