I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
