as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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