Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
