if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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