I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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